Heartbeat

February 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

What is this feeling? The feeling of consumption, not understanding, confusion and despair, a feeling I have tried so hard to avoid. A feeling that I have tried so hard to push those away from, all too well. The all consuming chasm that I look over everyday, on the verge of something intense, overwhelming, and too familiar. The ego that is compromised everyday, the inner voice that says ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘no one will ever get you,’ and ‘you can never share who you really are.’ The overwhelming sadness that penetrates your soul so deeply that it’s hard to discern from every characteristic and yet the world moves around you, flowing its web, a summation of success and balance. Every soul has a place in this world, and yet here I stand alone in my inner monologue, trapped and consumed in a pattern that’s all too familiar.

I try to understand your sadness, at my expense, trying to make you feel better and you not knowing that it’s not yet resolved. I try because no one should be trapped in this prison, living without care but yet too much thought. The faces that blend together in a wave of familiarity and at the same time, fleeting, not knowing when and where they might disappear into the shadows of your mind. Another sad and distant memory, a nostalgic pang that echoes threateningly as the face beside you looks on innocently.

The boy with a thorn in his side

December 10, 2011 § Leave a comment

There’s always a time and place for wit and intellect but unfortunately, it’s usually nowhere to be found when I’m trying to deflect a subtle ‘jellyfisher’ moment. A jellyfisher is a person who swims about a topic and while you’re watching them flitting about under the guise of gossip or small talk they throw a dig at you, stinging you so fast that you barely have any time to formulate an intelligent response.

The suspected jellyfisher has had more material lately since I’ve been more active in a certain aspect of my life…

This means that rather than being steadfast, realizing that some things are best left unsaid, I instead enter into a strange combative waffling mode. The slow train wreck where I end up just spilling everything about my love life, in unintelligible strings of consciousness, in the hopes that people can piece together the interpretation. Don’t get me wrong, I have a healthy sense of humor but I fall short of fully appreciating comments about my supposed ‘naiveté.’ I’ve always been like this, I can’t read people easily when it comes to whether their comments are coming from a helpful or self-motivated place. It all just sounds so self-serving but I don’t want to be that girl that can’t take banter.

Maybe all I hear is an echo of an ugly truth that hits too close to home.

I’m beginning to think I live in a bubble. I feel like as a woman I feel more progressive each and every day (cheesy I know). I’m no longer the girl that blushes when talking about her sex life. I don’t feel it’s taboo.

It makes me sad that I have to censor myself because people (surprisingly enough it’s mostly guys) can’t listen to a story or an opinion and differentiate it from just that: an experience, a past. It doesn’t necessarily have to be in line with your perceptions on how a girl should act and think. Personally, I’m in my twenties now, I’m not going to delude myself and act like a teenager by making sex out to be more meaningful than it is. I’m not going to rush into a relationship because of it, get clingy and start making life plans because of it, or move to Europe for it.

Hell, do it on the first date or before the main course! I just don’t like it when people make comments about timelines and put arbitrary plans like wait the third date, 3 months, 6 months… There is no right timeline, it’s in your power and you make it what it is. I thought people were more liberal these days.

Maybe I’m approaching it like a man and that’s offensive.

Hey ya

November 5, 2011 § Leave a comment

I still got IT. IT: game, je ne sais quoi.

Can I get a ‘Hey Ya’!?

I’m Tongue-Tied

October 31, 2011 § 2 Comments

I thought that the past couple of years would have cured me of all the childish and awkward things I do relating to dealing with guys. Surprise surprise! I can still be so incredibly ridiculous and weird. I thought I was doing alright, being kind of unavailable and indifferent to relationships and refusing to be flattered by silly pick-up lines or desperation. It’s great to have that kind of control, it’s not easy, but I’m done just randomly kissing strangers and, ahem, other things to try and fill tiring conversation. It’s just a really bad remedy for awkward silences. The morning afters usually are not pretty; the small talk, explanations, and subsequent ribbing you get from your friends leaves a permanent mark.

But now I’ve been holding back for so long that I’ve reverted back to prepubescence.

I think I’ve forgotten how to be proper woman.

Case in point: I avoided a guy all night because I didn’t know how to not be awkward and am therefore intimidated. It’s actually really difficult to avoid someone that your friends are obviously trying to get you together with and at some point in the night literally threw into each other because of frustration. I managed to escape though despite their efforts because I make this shit an art form.

Then, at the end of the night he walks you home and you drunkenly tell him he’s cute and the mood is set… and then YOU RUN AWAY REALLY FAST INTO YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING only to hear him say ‘I think you’re cute too” before the door closes.

Dies.

Of.

Awkwardness.

It’s middle school all over again!

 

I’m just terrified of attachments and I don’t want to commit to anyone because… it’s a lot of work and I don’t know if I can be bothered to pretend to be interested in what they’re saying.

I think I need to stop working myself up about it and get back in the game.

Keep Me in Mind

August 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

This song personifies what I think I should be feeling right now. Instead, I feel like I’m somewhere between annoyance and cessation. I no longer feel romantic.

Damn you reddit

June 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

 

 

My imperfections

May 16, 2011 § 1 Comment

I get tired of them and I get tired of myself.

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